Let's say I open the door to my or my friend's house and let in someone who ends up being extremely rude, ignorant, upset or vitriolic. I'd consider it my responsibility to talk to them, and if I have to, remove them from the living room. I picture the faces of everyone I know who hears such words as if they were sitting on my couch, stunned, hurt, or waiting for my reply. What's the right response?
If I were to be invited to someone's home and the host of a party were to say something extremely rude, ignorant, or vitriolic, I think the bar is a bit higher. But at some point to be fair to yourself and the other people "there" you may feel compelled to say something, or if it comes to it, remove yourself. Do these seem like good standards for social media?
What makes a good guiding analogy?
If you were a guest at someone's home surrounded by other guests, do you think the expectations about what you might say or listen to should be pretty different or pretty similar to the expectations for the "Friends" privacy setting on Facebook?
What about compared to...
- a private one-on-one conversation over drinks?
- a vigorous debate class?
- what you'd say on your own HBO/TV news/YouTube show?
What do you think makes a good guiding analogy?
Social pressures can be used for good or ill
To a certain extent, we can discuss whether the informal social rules we've learned over our lives that guide and pressure our interactions - like those at a house party - are right at all. Really, we should. But let's acknowledge that we use and understand such rules in-person with an often unconscious level of intuition and complexity. Without this information, we're almost deaf and blind in the massive, uncharted group situations of social media. How are our lives affected as a result?Social pressures can be used for good or ill. It's true that a polite tone has been used to say repulsive things. Etiquette on it's own doesn't mean people have to listen or invite someone to stay; there's no form of speech that compels people to invite someone to parties.
On the flip side, heightened emotion often comes with trying to communicate an important message. Responding to emotion only with worries about etiquette does everyone a disservice. The social context of social media is a gray area, though, that it's worth giving some thought as we explore the best way to express ourselves and respond in these new semi-public spaces.
Recognizing, cultivating, and putting things in social contexts
I think the house party could be used as an analogy for the context of "friends" social media: if my door is open to guests, there are some expectations in my living room about what the guests or the host can be expected to put up with, and what they can get away with in my house. We extend a certain level of tolerance at a house party, to friends of friends or what could be productive interactions between different views - there's a lot of benefit there - but there are limits. We're being honest, but we're also choosing one another's company to hang out and spend virtual time with. How "rude", ignorant, or vitriolic someone is doesn't matter when it comes to staging a protest, writing a piece of satire, or making a speech. But being honest, angry, or even in the right doesn't mean people will put up with shouting at a house party.We naturally want people of different views to interact. It can be a great tool for better understanding. But that's only true in certain social contexts. People watching an opposing news channel, for example, tend to become more entrenched in their own views. People who develop real life relationships with those of different political views tend to become more moderate and be more open to compromise over time; some studies have shown this happens regardless of whether they talk about politics or not. Are we truly cultivating the social context we want on social media?
So what? Who cares? That's not the way it really is!
Part of my purpose in posing these questions is to suggest it's not healthy for us to treat the friends of our friends as "random people on the internet". (I don't think it's helpful to treat anyone like that, but that's worth another discussion.) It might be helpful to picture them on a friend's couch with us as we're talking, in a context we can grasp better, to realize the effect we have on actual people and friends who choose our company. Though I'm a believer that many kinds of discussions are very important, I'm skeptical that social media, or the middle of a crowded house party, is always the best venue for every talk. If we're hurting each other or becoming callous with the way it is now, then we should take notice and figure out what we can do about it.The analogy has some gaps, though. Unlike a house party with a select group, in manageable space and time where I might reasonably intervene, the idea of 24/7 moderating our often vast social media networks is daunting. Do I truly want to take responsibility for everyone on my friends' list? What choices do I have in communicating my level of association, and what will happen whether I want it to or not? Then there's the added challenge that even if everyone likes the "house party" analogy, there are disagreements about what's acceptable in that context anyway - and there are no physical walls to separate each "living room" with its different hosts and house rules. I might be tempted to to throw my hands in the air and give up. What can we possibly do?
No matter what, we affect real people
The first thing that comes to mind is I might make my semi-public virtual space smaller and a bit more manageable. I might share my expectations, and try to come to some sort of shared understanding with those I come in contact with. I might try to contribute to our collective social progress around social media by having this discussion, in different venues. I might look at the problem through the lens of different analogies, studies, and discussions, so we can start somewhere and have something to work with. No matter what I do or don't do, I'll have some effect on shaping the expectations of our society.If you're following this, or any post on my social media, this is a gentle reminder that you're now talking to someone you met in my "living room", even if you don't personally know them, and you're talking to them in a public setting surrounded by everyone I know. if I'm lucky I get to see each of these people face to face. I will look them in the eye and take responsibility for the effects I've had on their life. if I'm mature I'm seeking to empathize/understand/help with their challenges and concerns, and celebrate/help with their joys. Even if you never have to meet them, I may be apologizing on your behalf. I may be explaining to students and young family members what is and isn't the behavior of someone I respect.